What Is the Scientific Nature of the Whammy?

My friend and fellow blogger Rachael is on maternity leave this month and she asked me (among many others) to write a post for her blog which bears the unlikely moniker "The Scientific Nature of the Whammy" (I don't know what it means either, but I like the sound of it).  Because of the impending arrival of her little one, she asked all of us to ponder the subject of birthdays. 

Yesterday was the day my post was featured, called "Ephemeral Gifts".

When Rachael asked me, I said "Yes" without really thinking much about what I was saying.  Rachael's blog is all about family and faith and motherhood and for the life of me, I couldn't think of anything to say on the subject of birthdays that would fit within those parameters.
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I've received many gifts for my birthday. Teddy bears gave way to GI Joes gave way to electronics and a 16th birthday car which eventually led to kitchen implements and gardening equipment. And I still have a lot of them. They are either the cherished possessions of childhood or the favorite items in an overflowing house. But as is so often the case the birthday present I cherish most is one I no longer possess.

Two years ago, my telephone rang one evening while I was not at home and my answering machine picked up the call. It was my mom and dad, calling to wish me a happy 35th birthday. Together, the two of them sang that great old son into the recorder for me to find and listen to later.

I'd never heard my dad sing before. Not that he hadn't, but it was always either in church or otherwise among the voices of others so that it was lost in the tumult. He sounded strong, vibrant, and a little embarrassed. It was weird and wonderful all at the same time.

For a few months, that song remained on my answering machine and I would periodically hear the strains of Happy Birthday as either Kristin or I played the messages. I meant to take it and record it into a more permanent venue but I never found a tape recorder or other method of getting that song off of there.

One day the inevitable happened. I don't recall whether it was a power outage, or if the thing got knocked off the kitchen counter or what happened, but the message was lost. I tried everything, including contacting the company to find out if there was any way to retrieve it, but there was not. It was gone.

The simple solution would be to ask him to sing to me once more, but that's not possible. My dad died just before Christmas that year. His voice forever silenced except in my memories and in the few snippets of video tape where he appears (usually saying "What do you think you're doing?" or "Is that really necessary?")

In the end, though, the memory of the song is the more precious for its absence. If it still remained it would live on a hard drive or an audio cassette and I might listen to it once in awhile, but it wouldn't be the same. I think it's the clearer for being a memory.

And never can I hear that song without in my mental recording studio, layering dad's voice track into the chorus. Strong and vibrant, and just a little bit embarrassed.

Professor Plum in the Billiard Room with a Lead Pipe

… or, How My Homework Ate My Summer Vacation. A Guest Column by Elspeth

Imagine you are writing a murder mystery. You have devised a victim, envisioned the scene of the crime, chosen a sufficiently effective method of homicide. You choose to begin the story when your protagonist is called upon to investigate the murder of Professor Plum in the Billiard Room, apparently with a Lead Pipe. It is up to you to engage the interest of the reader, to choose how much you will reveal of your characters, their histories, motivations, even physical appearance. You have three goals: make it interesting, make it make sense, and keep the reader reading to the end. If something fails to serve one of those goals, you may – indeed, should – excise that thing from your manuscript, or change it until it serves you better. 


“Fact,” I observed with some chagrin, “is slower than fiction.” 


My friend Scott replied, “I'm constantly reminded that [while] fiction has to make sense, reality is under no such imposition of plot and pacing...” 


How right he is. 


Now, imagine again that you begin with Professor Plum, lying skull-crushed in the Billiard Room, a bloodied Lead Pipe chucked in one corner. This time, you are writing a scientific doctoral dissertation. Here are some of the questions you may be called upon to consider: 


What were Plum’s age, gender, and country of origin? Had he signed willing consent to participate in this homicide? Did he have previous homicidal experience, either as perpetrator or victim? How was Plum recruited? If Plum was not randomly selected, what steps did the murderer take to ensure that Plum’s experience would be generalizable to a larger population? Or is this a case study? Or preliminary work with a prototype (in which case please describe how you would make the next iteration of this murder more efficient, effective, and user-friendly)? Was Plum limited as to the amount of time he was allowed to complete the experience of being murdered? If Plum had been allowed unlimited time to complete the experience, how might that have changed the results? 


Next, how did you choose the scene of the crime? Have murders been committed in Billiard Rooms before? If so, are there validated, peer-reviewed studies upon which you can call to hypothesize as to the results of your murder, before it has been committed. If so, please summarize in your chapter on previous work. Make sure to note any differences between your Billiard Room and previous examples of murders in Billiard Rooms, not omitting analytical conjectures as to the likely effect of variations between those venues and your own, nor your estimate of the validity and importance of any such previous murders. Be certain to provide a clear history of any and all fictional murders of relevance in similar locations, as the reader will need to clearly understand the landscape in which your murder stands with regard to choice of location. Did you consider trying this murder in each of the other rooms in the house to determine which was most effective? 


Now we move on to the method of murder. A lead pipe, you say? How many murders have been committed with lead pipes as a percentage of the murders in English literature? And what of worldwide literature (if you do not read all other world languages you may rely on survey articles for this question, provided they have been peer-reviewed)? Can you think of any other weapon you could have chosen that would have been more effective, or less expensive? In a Billiard Room, could you not simple have used a pool cue as a club? Please speculate on the likely difference in results between assault on the human cranium with a lead pipe and a pool cue. Cite references. If a pool cue was your original choice and you later replaced it with a lead pipe, make an analytical conjecture as to why the pool cue would not have worked. Describe the metallurgical composition of the lead pipe, and its density relative to the human skull, as well as to all metal pipes (lead or other) used as homicidal weapons (potential or actual) in the genre of murder mysteries. Make sure that your acknowledgements section thanks the funding agency whose grant paid for the lead pipes used in your murder and in the pilot studies.


Given the age, gender, and professional characteristics of Professor Plum, the environment provided by the Billiard Room, and the known physical properties of the Lead Pipe, how many times would you have to commit this murder to prove to a statistically significant level (α > 0.05) that this subject did not die by chance? Provide power calculations and vector diagrams. Using terms that will not antagonize your thesis committee, speculate on how this method might apply to the larger academic population. 


Finally, describe the contributions of this work to the field, and your plans for future murders to build on the results of this one. 


Oh, and don’t forget to make it interesting and keep the reader engaged and comfortable! 


Meanwhile, this morning, my father sent me this link. Considering the source, I hope it's not a suggestion!